A look at the fascinating and often infuriating sub-culture of Mothers...from THE MOMMY MAFIA; the Urban Dictionary of Mothers by LJ Charleston - publication date late 2013 - with more than 100 different categories of weird & wonderful Mothers. From Olympic Mom (My kid was walking at nine months, what's wrong with yours?) to Can't Stop Breeding Mom (six kids and another on the way!) Thrift Shop Mom (this dress only cost me $2!) to Natural Birth Interrogator Mom (WHY did you have a C-section? You really missed out on the real motherhood experience!)

Remember, in motherhood, a woman is more dangerous than a shotgun.

If you thought meeting the parents was tough, now it's time to meet the mommies.


Follow the Mommy Mafia on Twitter @themommymafia

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Scream from the Sidelines Mom

This mom is more than an enthusiastic sports parent, she is obsessed with the idea her child is the next David Beckham. She screams at her child for every goal, every missed goal, every kick and every missed kick. “Harrison! You’re looking the wrong way! The ball is behind you, you idiot!” Yet, at the same time, she likes the idea of her child being wrapped in cotton wool and gets mildly hysterical if another child’s boot ever so slightly grazes his precious shin. This is when Scream from the Sidelines mom turns her attention to other parents. “Your child is a violent menace to society!” Beware of this mom, she is very scary.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Thrift Shop Mom

These ladies takes pride in saying, ‘This outfit only cost me two bucks!’ She's the worst dressed mum in town and her kids are the same..their entire wardrobe is a throwback to the 70s and 80s or whatever era is going on the $5 and under rack. She likes to mock women who spend hundreds of dollars on clothing, "Oh, look at them! Everything has to be new! There's a great op shop in every suburb, you can even get a designer (ie Target) handbag for cheap!" I knew a totally eccentric Thrift Shop mom who once found a Halston skirt going for the top rate of $12 and she wore it to death. No matter that the skirt had holes in it, no matter it stunk of mold and she never washed it, who cares? It's a bargain. Don't get me started on her shoes. She wears the same pair every day, month after month. "I don't buy a new pair until the old pair is smiling,' she said.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Buns of Steel mom

These moms will let nothing get in the way of her workout, even if it means leaving kids in the car while she’s on the treadmill.

Everything revolves around her exercise routine. The child's only social activity is in the gym crèche where he is forced to go twice a day, morning and afternoon. Midday he goes home for lunch and a nap. Sure he doesn't get to have fun with his mum but so long as she has buns of steel who cares?

Her biggest fantasy is when all kids are at school and she can spend the greater part of the day at the gym; a pump class here, water aerobics there, pilates and then weights. Wow, it's tough being a gym mum. She gets so many compliments about her hot body that she no longer thanks people for telling her she looks hot, it's water off a ducks back.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Chardonnay Mom

Chardonnay Moms love to pour their first glass of wine at five o’clock…many call it ‘wine o’clock’ claiming it’s the only way to get through the witching hour consisting of cooking, feeding, bathing, bedtime (usually for multiple offspring) will constantly invite mums over for a ‘party’ any excuse to crack open the champers. They are big fans of the champagne breakfast and will go to great lengths to organize mommy get togethers after school drop-off on the off chance somebody brings a bottle of wine so that she can get that buzz early in the day. These moms never got out of the habit of ‘Thank God it’s Friday’ drinks that they enjoyed to excess during their pre-mom days. Instead of departing the workplace with a handful of colleagues and traipsing to the nearest bar, these days Chardonnay moms organize ‘after school drinkies’ at various moms’ homes where she leads the ladies in the fine art of getting sozzled while the kids run amok in the backyard. These drink parties usually wind up by 6 o’clock so the moms can get kids home to be fed, bathed and into bed. Preceding this hour is a chorus of ‘Are you okay to drive?” and a stampede of women stagger to the kitchen where they guzzle large glasses of water, as if that is enough to lower their DIU score. The only time it isn’t good to be friends with Chardonnay mom is when she insists on being the designated driver. It’s never going to happen. Chardonnay mom is also the first mom at school fund raising functions to get up on stage with the band, flash her underwear and sing the first verse of the national anthem, over and over, until she collapses in a heap of emotion, usually crying about the beauty of the night and bemoaning the fact that the bar staff have left for the night. Tip: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

Can't Stop Breeding mom

Can't Stop Breeding Moms are that strange breed of mom that does not believe in contraception and for whom taking a year off in between pregnancies is something of a sabbatical. Seven kids? No problem. They are usually condescending towards 'normal' moms who, on average, pop out two-three children.

"Only three kids? What's wrong? Couldn't you get pregnant again?" asks CSB mom.

"Well, we only ever wanted three kids. Isn't that enough?" shrugs Victim mom.

"No. Three is not enough. You are not doing your bit to help populate the country. I'm not stopping until I have at least five more. Three kids? You should be ashamed of yourself."

Can't Stop Breeding moms usually fall into the extreme categories of being either filthy rich or quite poverty stricken. One CSB mom is pregnant with child number eight and her family is already so poor that both sets of grandparents have had to chip in and buy them a van so they can actually leave the house. On the other end of the monetary scale, I've met a CSB mom who hires a new nanny everytime she has a new addition to the family. Their house is so damn huge there is a separate wing for the hired help.

These moms are harking back to last century where having eleven kids didn’t really raise an eyebrow. Of course, back then, they had a pretty good excuse – there was no contraception, save for the odd old wives suggestions that rarely work (such as having sex standing up)

Devils Spawn mom

Devils Spawn moms are the moms of kids who are absolute terrors, the devils you never want to invite to your house…they kick, they scream, they pour orange juice over the carpet, they wipe yogurt on the sofa, they rub vegemite/marmite/promite or whatever dark coloured condiment they get get their grubby hands on over walls, picture frames and will even find their way into the master bedroom and rub it on your pillow (by the way, none of this is an accident!) yet the Mom, for reasons quite unknown, believes their child is an angel and cannot understand why her child has so few invitations for play dates.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Too Cool for School

The Cool mom is so laid back her kids would have to be on their death bed before she drags them to a doctor. Her two year old just fell off a two metre monkey bar, no problem. If she's crying, she's not dead.

Her son fell off his skateboard, he's sitting on the sidewalk nursing his badly grazed knee. Does Cool mom rush to comfort him? 'Nah, I'm not getting a band aid. It's not bleeding that much. I mean, the blood hasn’t reached his ankle yet."

The baby is crying. Perhaps she is hungry? "Oh, she'll be okay. I mean, it's not lunchtime yet, they only need three meals a day, right? Kids want to play out on the street in the rain? No problem, let them do what they want to do. So long as they're not bugging me, that's cool. If they want to walk four blocks to the nearest park while I stay at home and catch up on my crossword puzzles, that's fine too.

Cook dinner? Me? Well, not all the time, I mean, the kids can open the fridge. It's good to be laid back, it teaches kids to do everything themselves. Look at me, I could make an omelette by the age of three."

Her six year old fell downstairs and spent a week with a broken arm before she took him to doctor. But her pets? If her cat is limping she gets a trip to the vet, go figure.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Pacifier/Dummy police

Those of us who have committed the 'sin' of using a pacifier/dummy, mostly out of desperation to drastically reduce the volume of a screaming child, would have met the Pacifier Police mom. She likes to harass other Moms whose little darlings use a pacifier, lecturing them about how bad it is for the shape of their mouth and also giving ‘helpful advice’ about how to stop your child using a pacifier, including giving the pacifier to the ‘pacifier fairies.’

Other advice - usually for mothers with toddlers ie kids deemed 'too old' for a pacifier (in my opinion it's the two year olds that need pacifiers the most and - let's face it - we've all met the occasional adult that could benefit from a pacifier too) :

1. Tell your child you are giving the pacifier to Santa.

2. You're giving the pacifier to the babies that really need them.

3. When you're driving, casually wind down the window and toss pacifier out the window, saying 'Oops, look what mommy has done!"

Pacifier police preface most conversations with, "He is too old to have a pacifier," and "Why does he have a pacifier?"

"He is a bad sleeper so I've gotten into the habit," said Victim mom.

"Well get out of the habit. Just throw it away. Simple," said PP Mom.

"It's no big deal. He won't have a pacifier when he's 21," said Victim Mom.

"Really? How can you be so sure?"

"Well its better than thumb sucking. At least he won't get buck teeth. Plus, you can throw a dummy away but you can't throw away his thumb!" yells Victim Mom.

You will never win a debate with the Pacifier Police. She will give you a list of bizarre psychological reasons why a pacifier will have a negative impact on his life until death. For example, think about what he is sucking on; a plastic nipple! He will always have a nipple fixation and end up being a hopeless sex addict.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Beware of Natural Birth Interrogator Mom

There seems to be a new breed of mom that gave birth naturally and delight in criticizing mothers who didn't; even when a caesarian is performed in a life-saving situation!

She tells pregnant women, "Oh I hope you don’t have to have a Caesar. It will take away the importance of womanhood."

Following the birth of my twins - born by caesarian (twin 1 had his head downwards, twin 2 had his feet downwards, known as a 'footling breech') an old school friend said snidely, "You didn't give birth, you had an operation."

No matter how your babies are born, you still 'gave birth' to them!

One mother sent an SMS to let a friend know her baby had arrived and the friend responded with ‘natural or ceasar?

Some natural birth interrogators see ceasar mums as copping out, taking the easy road. Do you really think its easy having a major operation that you are wide awake for, as a surgeon cuts through nine layers of skin/stomach muscle - that also means you're left with nine layers of stitches - and then you have to get up right away and look after a baby. A hysterectomy is a less severe operation and women are told to have bed rest for weeks.

Having twins, one is always confronted with that question; "Did you give birth naturally?" When I explain that twin 2 was a footling breech and would have died without medical intervention, one Natural Birth Interrogator Mom shook her head and said, "But surely the doctor could have turned him?"

The moral of the story is this:

Nobody gets to wear a medal around their neck saying, "I gave birth through my vagina."

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Afternoon tea with Neat Freak Mom

Neat Freak mom lives as though there are no children in the house. If a child drops even a crumb of a cookie, these Moms will whip out the vacuum cleaner in an instant. She virtually much neglects her kids because she is so busy dusting and cleaning up after them. Of course, she always takes spare set of clothes with her in case a kid gets even the smallest amount of dirt or food or , God forbid, a blueberry stain.

She doesn't like to take her kids to the park because the park is full of dirt and kids get dirty. Kids never allowed to do things like jump in a puddle or roll through the autumn leaves. In fact her kids are forced to wash their hands at least six times a day; sometimes twice depending on the grime, depending on whether they have petted a dog, cat or guinea pig.

Neat Freak Mom cannot handle seeing any food around her toddler's mouth so she's constantly wiping him until the lower part of his face is red. She stands closeby, a face cloth in her hand on standby just an inch from her child's chin at all times. In fact the face cloth is usually in her pocket for any ‘emergencies.’ She also keeps a dust buster in the car...food is banned in the car but on the rare occasion a child is brave enough to smuggle a cookie in the back seat, she will pull over, even on major highway, and bust that dust. She will never lighten up.