cotton wool mom

The Cotton Wool Mom is worse than the Helicopter. Not only does she hover around her children she would wrap them in cotton wool - if she could. They are not allowed to cross the road without her - not even when the lollypop man is standing there as the quintessential road warrior/guardian. The kids cannot walk just two houses down the street to retrieve a missing football for fear of them falling, being abducted or swooped by a rogue magpie from surrounding gumtrees. No! They cannot watch any television beyond 6.30pm for fear of advertisements targetting adults. What if a tampon ad appears and the kids ask 'What the hell is that thing?" One Cotton Wool Mom friend of mine was horrified when I told her my children walk unsupervised for five minutes up the street to buy themselves a soft drink from the local store. Not only was she shocked about the unassisted stroll in the 'burbs, she lectured me about letting them have a soft drink (okay I know it's not health food but everything in moderation, right?)

abduction mom

The Abduction Mom is paranoid to the point of lunacy that her little darling will be kidnapped. She forces her child to wear a harness; not to safeguard against him running into the traffic, but in the event a stranger might suddenly snatch him from under her gaze. She also checks her child several times a night to make sure he has not been stolen in the night. Her paranoia is fed via her obsession with newspapers...she scans the papers for stories about kidnapping and while other mothers might cover their refrigerator door with photos of their children, Abduction mum sticks up clippings of kid snatchings as a reminder that her fears are some other mothers’ reality. But there is hope; some Abduction moms lighten up to the extent that they use harnesses disguised as teddy bears so that other kids don’t ask ‘Why is that kid on a dog lead?’

Nanny Mom

The Nanny Mom she is accompanied by a younger, usually more attractive, woman who is carrying the baby bag and pushing the stroller so her employer can walk hands-free. Nanny Mom leaves all the work to her nanny, yet still complains and then fires them like they’re a dime a dozen. When it’s ‘Special Friends Day’ at school, these women send the nanny. They have to ask the nanny what the kids are ‘into’ these days; from food to games, toys and books. Many of these mums do not work. They need a nanny to help with the housework, take kids to and from school, make their lunches, baby-sit the toddler so mum can go to the gym. It’s almost like a status symbol. Yet, it isn’t. Most Nanny mums go out of their way to employ an unattractive nanny. One Nanny Mom claims she put locks on the bathroom door when her husband kept ‘accidentally’ walking in on the nanny when she was in the shower. If Jude Law could cheat on Sienna Miller with his kids’ nanny then how can a non-movie star Mother compete?

Agoraphobic Mom

Agoraphobic Mom lives in a cocoon of motherhood. She will not come to see you; you have to visit her. They are the Mommy Princess, in self-imposed exile from their former world. Their life revolves around the home. Most Agoraphobic Moms have fancy play equipment installed in their back yards, thus deeming a simple trip to the playground unnecessary. One Agoraphobic Mom put her three week old baby into her car for an outing to the supermarket. The baby screamed for the duration of the five minute drive and so she vowed never to put her in the car again. And two years later, she still hasn’t. Agoraphobic Mom is usually very successful in making other Moms feel that they must be doing something wrong by subjecting their kids to the dangers of the outside world. They object to public playgrounds because their child can catch germs from the play equipment. Other children might cough or sneeze and pass on a cold or flu. They don’t mind their children playing in the dirt in their own backyards, but they would never let their kids play in the dirt in public; they are true believers of the urban myth about neighbourhood cats peeing in the playground sand in the still of the night.

Afraid of the Sun Mom

It was a slightly overcast day and I met my lovely friend Afraid of the Sun Mom somewhere between the park bench and the dangerous spider web climbing frame the My Child's Body Is A Temple Moms always avoid...the sun was barely peeping between the clouds when Afraid of the Sun Mom pounced on her four year old. "Baxter come HERE!" yelled with the same intensity of a woman trying to get her child away from a kiddie-fiddler (pedophile) Baxter reluctantly edged closer to his mom..this kid knew exactly what was coming. and within moments he was lathered with layer upon layer of the thickest gooiest suncream on the market - courtesy of the Cancer Council. "But, there's hardly any sun," I offered. "Does he really need that much protection? Especially as the kids are playing under cover?" Then came the lecture. Afraid of the Sun Mum (whose kids are NEVER outside without a hat...not even in the pouring rain. I mean, you never know when those clouds are going to clear and the evil sun will make a brief yet deadly appearance. So I had an ear full. She lectured me about skin cancer. Ok I know it's deadly. But surely there are benefits in your kids getting SOME sunshine. Every ten minutes this woman is wiping cream on her kids face. When I try to tell her that the cream is still there, its just soaked into the skin, she looks at me like I'm an idiot. "I want to be able to SEE the cream so I have peace of mind it is still protecting him." Then one of my kids accidentally splashed her Baxter with water. Omg, Afraid of the Sun Mom ran towards him with a towel, wiped his face, then reapplied all that sun cream. Why dont you buy the water proof stuff? I offered. When the clouds disappeared and the sun shone in full, that's when Afraid of the Sun Mom decided to go to the mall. "I'm outta here," she said, dragging her kid to the safety/shade of her 4-wheel drive. This woman is only ever happy when it's winter.

Extra-Curricular Mom

It's Monday and I had a lovely catchup with my friend Extra-Curricular Mom. Dead Giveaway? Her kids have dark circles under their eyes due to exhaustion from multiple activities. Extra-Curricular Mom signs her kids up for everything; from baby gym, to swimming, to ballet, to paint classes. She feels the pressure of having to do everything for her children – often she is an only child, so Extra-Curricular Mom wants to give him/her the best of the best. Flamenco dancing, gymbaroo, swimming lessons, jitterbugs music classes, toddler fitness, karate; anything to fill up the time. “Sometimes kids just like to be at home!” cries Agoraphobic Mum. The offspring of Extra-Curricular Mom are always so exhausted by the time they get home they are near comatose, begging for bed. This woman keeps her kids so busy she can't remember the last time she actually sat down and had a conversation with them that wasn't about what time they had to be at which activity. Another thing: she has a rocky marriage and so she develops a crush on any man that happens to be in charge of her kids activities. In December she fell in love with Max the soccer coach. In January she fell in love with Gary the kids art teacher (they even kissed a couple of times following a clandestine meeting in the carpark where she lined up a get together to exchange some fancy arty farty brushes) by February she developed a MAJOR crush on Antony her son's violin teacher but, truth be known, she only fancied him because he looked a lot like Max the soccer coach who showed her Zero interest. Extra Curricular MOm is always looking for new activities to sign her kids up for..the only thing they havent done is sky diving but, never fear, when they are of an appropriate age, this mom will have them top of the queue! this mom delights in being the Mom taxi..anything to keep those kids occupied and out of her hair!