Nanny Mom

Nanny Mom was so busy shopping for new light fittings for the new house, she left her tribe with Helga. Or was it Gunta? She fires those European nannies over the smallest thing. The last one was ordered to leave the house because she 'stole' a biscuit from the family cupboard and left wet towels on the bathroom floor for two days. Nanny Mom needs to ask the nanny what the kids are ‘into’ these days; from food to games, toys and books. Many of these moms do not work. They need a nanny to help with the housework, take kids to and from school, make their lunches and baby-sit the toddler so mom can go to the gym. It’s almost a status symbol. Yet, it isn’t. Most Nanny Moms go out of their way to employ a plain, frumpy nanny so the husband doesn’t find her appealing. One Nanny Mom claims she put locks on the bathroom door when her husband kept ‘accidentally’ walking in on the nanny when she was in the shower.The offspring of Nanny Moms are usually very well behaved...for the nanny. But when the mother resumes duties, they tend to play up, leaving the mother to appreciate her nanny all the more. This often results in a pay rise that will last until Helga gets homesick for Berlin; or until she’s poached by another unscrupulous Nanny Mom. One Nanny Mom discovered a pair of black lacy underpants in the basket of her toddler’s stroller. Apparently the nanny took the toddler with her on visits to her boyfriend’s apartment where the child was put in front of a Doctor Who DVD whilst Nanny and her lover were busy in the bedroom

Wikipedia Mom

In the school playground today, I witnessed Wikipedia Mom lecturing the mother of a dyslexic child about what she needs to do. First, she needs to read the book "the woman who changed her brain" about a woman's struggle with dyslexia that she managed to overcome and achieve her dreams. Of course, Wikipedia Mom is not speaking from experience. Who needs experience to be an expert in everything? She does not have a dyslexic child. But what she doesn't know about dyslexia isn't worth knowing. Beware: never get her involved in a conversation about whether women should breastfeed beyond the toddler years. Yes, Wikipedia Mom never breastfed her children (it just 'wasn't me', she said) but she knows everything about it. You will never need a dictionary when you befriend Wikipedia Mom. Ask her about everything, she will have the answer.

All About Me Mom

All About Me Mom insists on telling her stories, whether or not you want to hear it. If your kid just spent the day in ER after swallowing half a bottle of nail polish remover, her kid was in intensive care for a month after a brain haemorrhage. She is not interested in your story. She wants to tell her story. And don't interrupt her, okay? If you survived a 12 hour labour and an emergency c-section, that's nothing! All About Me Mom did all that plus more - did she tell you she also caught septicaemia post-birth and nearly died. But she didn't. She lived to see another day, and tell another story about herself.

Olympic Mom

It's always a delight bumping into Olympic Mom. Yes, the lady who delights in telling me that her having kids 15 months apart is 'harder' than having twins. Back then I stopped myself from reminding her my twins were born TWO MINUTES apart because no matter what I say, she will one-up me. Motherhood is the biggest race of her life, nobody can beat her. She even told a mother of quadruplets that having 4 kids in 5 years is 'much much harder" than having four babies at once. The quads mom could only manage a weak comeback, "Um. it wasn't having 4 buns in the oven."

Germ Phobic Mom

We spent two hours in the park today and amazed to see how sparkling clean the playground equipment looked...and then we noticed Germ Phobic Mom with a bottle of disinfectant and a towel - giving the slide and swings a good rub down. I'll never forget visiting her in hospital when she'd given birth to baby number 3 and before she'd let me cuddle her newborn, she made me wash my hands with disinfectant, even though I told her I'd just washed my hands. "No. You probably used soap. Soap is not good enough," she said, pushing a bottle of Clean-aid in my hands. Interestingly, when her kids get sick, they seem to be sick for a long time. But when I suggest that maybe she needs to start exposing her kids to some 'good germs' so they build up immunity, she looks at me with horror. "There's no such thing as a good germ!"

Scream from the Sidelines Mom

The soccer gossip is in overdrive as the Scream from the Sidelines Mom was spotted with a single Dad from the kids school who happens to be the coach of the Under 11s. Buns of Steel Mom and Coffee Mum were discussing the scandal this morning, not bothering to whisper. In fact, they were speaking at such a high volume that Afraid of the Sun Mom and Botox Mom, who were nibbling their toasties at the next table, butted in and said, "Yes, yes, I've seen them holding hands in the carpark and looking at each other like they can't bear to say goodbye." We will stay tuned.

Cold Blaming Mom

The Cold Blaming Mom was on the warpath today. See, three days ago she hosted mother's group at her place and now her little darling has a runny nose. Who gave her the cold? She is determined to track down the appalling excuse of a mother who dared to bring her kid to her home, knowing he/she had a cold, or was at least on the verge of a snotty nose. She phoned all four women, grilling them about the state of their child's health. "Does - or DID - Bianca have a cold when you came to my place last week?" All women denied bringing a cold-laden kid into Cold Blaming Mom's inner sanctuary. "No, of course not. She's perfectly healthy. And, if she wasn't, I wouldn't DREAM of bringing her over in case she spread her germs to your little darling." So, all the women denied being responsible but Cold Blaming Mom is not an idiot. She suspects the offending mother was Mary-Lou. Why? Because, when she was being interrogated, she said, "Besides, you could be standing in the supermarket queue and the person in front of you might be infected and all he has to do is sneeze and you've caught his lurgy. Maybe that's how your little darling caught her cold. It was not MY little darling." Yes, motherhood has reached a new low.