Afraid of the Sun Mom

It was a slightly overcast day and I met my lovely friend Afraid of the Sun Mom somewhere between the park bench and the dangerous spider web climbing frame the My Child's Body Is A Temple Moms always avoid...the sun was barely peeping between the clouds when Afraid of the Sun Mom pounced on her four year old. "Baxter come HERE!" yelled with the same intensity of a woman trying to get her child away from a kiddie-fiddler (pedophile) Baxter reluctantly edged closer to his mom..this kid knew exactly what was coming. and within moments he was lathered with layer upon layer of the thickest gooiest suncream on the market - courtesy of the Cancer Council. "But, there's hardly any sun," I offered. "Does he really need that much protection? Especially as the kids are playing under cover?" Then came the lecture. Afraid of the Sun Mum (whose kids are NEVER outside without a hat...not even in the pouring rain. I mean, you never know when those clouds are going to clear and the evil sun will make a brief yet deadly appearance. So I had an ear full. She lectured me about skin cancer. Ok I know it's deadly. But surely there are benefits in your kids getting SOME sunshine. Every ten minutes this woman is wiping cream on her kids face. When I try to tell her that the cream is still there, its just soaked into the skin, she looks at me like I'm an idiot. "I want to be able to SEE the cream so I have peace of mind it is still protecting him." Then one of my kids accidentally splashed her Baxter with water. Omg, Afraid of the Sun Mom ran towards him with a towel, wiped his face, then reapplied all that sun cream. Why dont you buy the water proof stuff? I offered. When the clouds disappeared and the sun shone in full, that's when Afraid of the Sun Mom decided to go to the mall. "I'm outta here," she said, dragging her kid to the safety/shade of her 4-wheel drive. This woman is only ever happy when it's winter.

Extra-Curricular Mom

It's Monday and I had a lovely catchup with my friend Extra-Curricular Mom. Dead Giveaway? Her kids have dark circles under their eyes due to exhaustion from multiple activities. Extra-Curricular Mom signs her kids up for everything; from baby gym, to swimming, to ballet, to paint classes. She feels the pressure of having to do everything for her children – often she is an only child, so Extra-Curricular Mom wants to give him/her the best of the best. Flamenco dancing, gymbaroo, swimming lessons, jitterbugs music classes, toddler fitness, karate; anything to fill up the time. “Sometimes kids just like to be at home!” cries Agoraphobic Mum. The offspring of Extra-Curricular Mom are always so exhausted by the time they get home they are near comatose, begging for bed. This woman keeps her kids so busy she can't remember the last time she actually sat down and had a conversation with them that wasn't about what time they had to be at which activity. Another thing: she has a rocky marriage and so she develops a crush on any man that happens to be in charge of her kids activities. In December she fell in love with Max the soccer coach. In January she fell in love with Gary the kids art teacher (they even kissed a couple of times following a clandestine meeting in the carpark where she lined up a get together to exchange some fancy arty farty brushes) by February she developed a MAJOR crush on Antony her son's violin teacher but, truth be known, she only fancied him because he looked a lot like Max the soccer coach who showed her Zero interest. Extra Curricular MOm is always looking for new activities to sign her kids up for..the only thing they havent done is sky diving but, never fear, when they are of an appropriate age, this mom will have them top of the queue! this mom delights in being the Mom taxi..anything to keep those kids occupied and out of her hair!

The Park

It was raining today but that didn't stop me taking the kids to the park and my 4 year old jumps on a swing - he's only swinging for three minutes when Playground Police mom appears with her stop watch. "You have two more minutes then it's my little girl's turn," she said. I tell her, " Who the hell put you in charge?" and she explains that she's been frequenting this park for seven years and it's an unspoken rule that no kid should take more than five minutes on a swing, unless the park is empty and the kid has no competition. It's such a useless conversation I grab my kid and move to the slide where a woman is spraying something on the ladder. She catches my puzzled stare and explains, "I'm disinfecting this because you never know who has had swine flu and put their grubby paws all over it. There's no way I'm letting my kids on here!" She's spraying it like she's possessed. It's Germ Phobic mom and she grabs my kid's hand and sprays him as he attempts to climb up the ladder and he thinks he's being squirted by a water gun so he screams and I say, "How'd you like me to spray your kid with some unknown liquid?" but all that achieves is Germ Phobic Mom standing in my personal space and holding the container within inches of my face and reading the label for contents but I can't hear a thing she's saying because a ginger-haired boy has poked a stick in the face of a platinum blond toddler and ER Mom yells at nobody in particular to 'Call a fucking ambulance NOW!" even though the victim does not appear to be in pain and, indeed, is searching for a stick to poke the other kid back. Moments later..sirens... and I take it as my cue to grab my kid and run for the hills. And to think I went to the park for some peace and quiet?

Chardonnay Mom

Chardonnay Moms love to pour their first glass of wine at five o’clock…many call it ‘wine o’clock’ claiming it’s the only way to get through the witching hour consisting of cooking, feeding, bathing, bedtime (usually for multiple offspring) will constantly invite mums over for a ‘party’ any excuse to crack open the champers. They are big fans of the champagne breakfast and will go to great lengths to organize mommy get togethers after school drop-off on the off chance somebody brings a bottle of wine so that she can get that buzz early in the day. These moms never got out of the habit of ‘Thank God it’s Friday’ drinks that they enjoyed to excess during their pre-mom days. Instead of departing the workplace with a handful of colleagues and traipsing to the nearest bar, these days Chardonnay moms organize ‘after school drinkies’ at various moms’ homes where she leads the ladies in the fine art of getting sozzled while the kids run amok in the backyard. These drink parties usually wind up by 6 o’clock so the moms can get kids home to be fed, bathed and into bed. Preceding this hour is a chorus of ‘Are you okay to drive?” and a stampede of women stagger to the kitchen where they guzzle large glasses of water, as if that is enough to lower their DIU score. The only time it isn’t good to be friends with Chardonnay mom is when she insists on being the designated driver. It’s never going to happen. Chardonnay mom is also the first mom at school fund raising functions to get up on stage with the band, flash her underwear and sing the first verse of the national anthem, over and over, until she collapses in a heap of emotion, usually crying about the beauty of the night and bemoaning the fact that the bar staff have left for the night. Tip: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

neat freak mom

Neat Freak Mom...these women live as though there are no children in the house. If a child drops even a crumb of a cookie, these Moms will whip out the vacuum cleaner in an instant. She pretty much neglects her kids because she is so busy dusting and cleaning up after them. She always takes spare clothes with her in case a kid gets even the smallest amount of dirt or food or, God forbid, a blue berry stain.
She does not like to take kids to the park because the park is a horrible, dirty place and kids get dirty. Kids are never allowed to do things like jump in a puddle or roll through the autumn leaves. Kids are forced to wash hands at least six times a day and sometimes twice depending on the grime. We feel sorry for the offspring of the Neat Freak Mom!

I'm Over Being a Mom

The I'm-Over-Being-A-Mom women act as though motherhood is a gigantic burden and constantly whine and moan about how hard it is being a mother. They live for the day the kids are old enough to go to school. Always speaking nostalgically about pre-mom days. Remember when you could go shopping alone? Only had yourself to look after. Travelling at drop of a hat. Sex whenever you felt like it, I've gotten so used to kissing my kids' faces that it feels foreign kissing my husband's face and it's stubble, yuck and foreign. I want to be seen as a woman again not a mom! Starts wearing sexy clothes, back to her early 20s so people look at her and say, "Wow she couldn't possibly be a mother!" She even takes up weightlifting and gets a body builders bod. She seeks out work that takes her away from family then realizes that the job hasn’t changed but she has.

Outdoor Mom

The Outdoor Mom cannot stand being at home; she is always on the go. Baby has to snatch whatever sleep he is able to get in the car in between social outings.
Her diary is filled with morning teas, lunches, shopping trips to far away suburbs. Reading about a vintage clothing shop two hours away is not a problem, just bundle kid in car and off we go. No time to potty train, no time to read to kids, no time to cook a choc cake standing at the kitchen bench and licking the bowl, there are too many things to do, places to go!