Chardonnay Mom

Chardonnay Moms love to pour their first glass of wine at five o’clock…many call it ‘wine o’clock’ claiming it’s the only way to get through the witching hour consisting of cooking, feeding, bathing, bedtime (usually for multiple offspring) will constantly invite mums over for a ‘party’ any excuse to crack open the champers. They are big fans of the champagne breakfast and will go to great lengths to organize mommy get togethers after school drop-off on the off chance somebody brings a bottle of wine so that she can get that buzz early in the day. These moms never got out of the habit of ‘Thank God it’s Friday’ drinks that they enjoyed to excess during their pre-mom days. Instead of departing the workplace with a handful of colleagues and traipsing to the nearest bar, these days Chardonnay moms organize ‘after school drinkies’ at various moms’ homes where she leads the ladies in the fine art of getting sozzled while the kids run amok in the backyard. These drink parties usually wind up by 6 o’clock so the moms can get kids home to be fed, bathed and into bed. Preceding this hour is a chorus of ‘Are you okay to drive?” and a stampede of women stagger to the kitchen where they guzzle large glasses of water, as if that is enough to lower their DIU score. The only time it isn’t good to be friends with Chardonnay mom is when she insists on being the designated driver. It’s never going to happen. Chardonnay mom is also the first mom at school fund raising functions to get up on stage with the band, flash her underwear and sing the first verse of the national anthem, over and over, until she collapses in a heap of emotion, usually crying about the beauty of the night and bemoaning the fact that the bar staff have left for the night. Tip: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

neat freak mom

Neat Freak Mom...these women live as though there are no children in the house. If a child drops even a crumb of a cookie, these Moms will whip out the vacuum cleaner in an instant. She pretty much neglects her kids because she is so busy dusting and cleaning up after them. She always takes spare clothes with her in case a kid gets even the smallest amount of dirt or food or, God forbid, a blue berry stain.
She does not like to take kids to the park because the park is a horrible, dirty place and kids get dirty. Kids are never allowed to do things like jump in a puddle or roll through the autumn leaves. Kids are forced to wash hands at least six times a day and sometimes twice depending on the grime. We feel sorry for the offspring of the Neat Freak Mom!

I'm Over Being a Mom

The I'm-Over-Being-A-Mom women act as though motherhood is a gigantic burden and constantly whine and moan about how hard it is being a mother. They live for the day the kids are old enough to go to school. Always speaking nostalgically about pre-mom days. Remember when you could go shopping alone? Only had yourself to look after. Travelling at drop of a hat. Sex whenever you felt like it, I've gotten so used to kissing my kids' faces that it feels foreign kissing my husband's face and it's stubble, yuck and foreign. I want to be seen as a woman again not a mom! Starts wearing sexy clothes, back to her early 20s so people look at her and say, "Wow she couldn't possibly be a mother!" She even takes up weightlifting and gets a body builders bod. She seeks out work that takes her away from family then realizes that the job hasn’t changed but she has.

Outdoor Mom

The Outdoor Mom cannot stand being at home; she is always on the go. Baby has to snatch whatever sleep he is able to get in the car in between social outings.
Her diary is filled with morning teas, lunches, shopping trips to far away suburbs. Reading about a vintage clothing shop two hours away is not a problem, just bundle kid in car and off we go. No time to potty train, no time to read to kids, no time to cook a choc cake standing at the kitchen bench and licking the bowl, there are too many things to do, places to go!

extra curricular mom

Extra Curricular Mom – the Moms who sign their kids up for everything; from baby gym, to swimming, to ballet, to paint classes.
For some bizarre reason, these women feel the pressure of having to do everything for their child. Usually they are only children, so mom wants to give them the best of the best, all the experiences they can get their chubby hands on. Flamenco dancing, gymbaroo, swimming lessons, jitterbugs music classes, toddler fitness, karate ..anything to fill up their time. Also so the kids are so exhausted by the time they get home they are near comatose, begging for bed, so the mom gets a 'break' at last

Confused and Bewildered Mom

These are the Moms who are constantly asking other Moms for advice…suffering from a strange sense of feeling incompetent and needing reassurance.
If they have trouble breastfeeding, they are constantly on the breast feeding help line. Confused and Bewildered mom is often seen up at the baby clinic asking for advice. She will ask perfect strangers in shopping centres about any strange rash on the baby, worried that she has been eating too many mangoes and its gone through her breast milk and infected the baby
"So do you think she has an allergy?" she asks.
"Nah. It looks like heat rash. You've got her in a cardigan on a hot day!" says baby clinic nurse.
But this leads to a new paranoia about over or underdressing her baby. Of course her favorite question is "How do you get them to go to sleep?" Chill, lady.

Molly Coddle mom

Molly Coddle Mom – this lady is killing her kids with kindness. The most pampered (annoying) kids on the street. She usually insists on her kids calling her by her Christian name, she doesn’t really want to be a mum she wants to be a best friend. Anything the kids want, she will get it for them. They will never want for anything. Too bad if they’ve just had their second candy bar, if they desire a third, they’ll get it.
If her son hits another kid, this mum will barely stop short of congratulating him for his excellent fighting skills. A boxer in the making? She has the ability to turn every single situation into a positive one. Bad grades at school? Don't worry honey, that That just means you're going to be a sporting superstar. You're crap at all sports, never mind honey, you'll be a scientist. Her son has bad grades and is crap at sports, no problem, you're going to be a famous artist. There is no room for reality for this mum.