A look at the fascinating and often infuriating sub-culture of Mothers...from THE MOMMY MAFIA; the Urban Dictionary of Mothers by LJ Charleston - publication date late 2013 - with more than 100 different categories of weird & wonderful Mothers. From Olympic Mom (My kid was walking at nine months, what's wrong with yours?) to Can't Stop Breeding Mom (six kids and another on the way!) Thrift Shop Mom (this dress only cost me $2!) to Natural Birth Interrogator Mom (WHY did you have a C-section? You really missed out on the real motherhood experience!)

Remember, in motherhood, a woman is more dangerous than a shotgun.

If you thought meeting the parents was tough, now it's time to meet the mommies.


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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wikipedia Mom

My friend Katie is a Wikipedia mom. She is a walking encyclopedia on everything to do with fertility, pregnancy, childbirth, raising kids etc. You name it, she will tell you all about it. Over and over again!
It doesn’t matter if you have experienced something that they haven’t; they still know more about it than you do. You don’t need a baby book. You just need to befriend a Wikipedia mom. Twins, triplets? Well, she hasn’t had them herself, but she might as well have! What she doesn’t know about twins and triplets isn’t worth knowing. In fact, she knows everything about them; from giving birth, to raising them. She can even give share her valuable insight into the advantages and disadvantages of separating twins/triplets at school.

“You must separate twins at school because otherwise the teacher and students will keep mixing them up,” said Wikipedia mom.

“But my twins are fraternal. One is blonde, the other is brunette,” said Twin mom.

“It doesn’t matter! You also have to split up non identical twins so they can form their own identity and discourage competitive behavior in the classroom.”

There’s no point arguing with a woman who truly believes she knows more than anybody else.

Do you need some tips about recovering from a caesarian? Wikipedia mom gave birth naturally but, rest assured, she will give you a blow by blow description of what it felt like to be awake for major abdominal surgery. Breastfeeding tips? Wikipedia mom has an answer for everybody; ask her about mastitis, breast pumps, inverted nipples and whether, in the world of breast milk, size matters.

Maybe Wikepedia mom hasn’t had a natural birth but she has all the advice you’ll ever need.

“You need to chew ice cubes in between contractions. Oh, and don’t bother putting vitamin E oil on your belly. Stretch marks are hormonal. It’s a bit like death; if your number’s up, you are going to die.”

Wikipedia mom will tell you everything you need to know, as well as all the stuff you don’t give a toss about. “Kids who watch television before the age of two will have stunted physical interaction crucial to early brain development. Did you know, 78% of disposable-diapered babies have diaper rash, compared to 7% of cloth-diapered babies?

The world if filled with moms who want to give you advice and most of it is given in good faith. But if you come across a woman who repeatedly gives you unwanted advice, just say, “Thank you” and leave it at that. Or you could tell her that you are committed into only absorbing the wisdom of one mommy friend – perhaps your own mother. You have no room for two. It’s a little like religion. Why pray at two altars when it’s easier to pray at one?

1 comment:

Frances said...

Love this mommy type. We all have met her!!! Can't wait to read more and buy it for my friends baby shower gifts. It provides a good laugh and some great advice to any new mom. Frances.