A look at the fascinating and often infuriating sub-culture of Mothers...from THE MOMMY MAFIA; the Urban Dictionary of Mothers by LJ Charleston - publication date late 2013 - with more than 100 different categories of weird & wonderful Mothers. From Olympic Mom (My kid was walking at nine months, what's wrong with yours?) to Can't Stop Breeding Mom (six kids and another on the way!) Thrift Shop Mom (this dress only cost me $2!) to Natural Birth Interrogator Mom (WHY did you have a C-section? You really missed out on the real motherhood experience!)

Remember, in motherhood, a woman is more dangerous than a shotgun.

If you thought meeting the parents was tough, now it's time to meet the mommies.


Follow the Mommy Mafia on Twitter @themommymafia

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Wikipedia Mom

In the school playground today, I witnessed Wikipedia Mom lecturing the mother of a dyslexic child about what she needs to do. First, she needs to read the book "the woman who changed her brain" about a woman's struggle with dyslexia that she managed to overcome and achieve her dreams. Of course, Wikipedia Mom is not speaking from experience. Who needs experience to be an expert in everything? She does not have a dyslexic child. But what she doesn't know about dyslexia isn't worth knowing. Beware: never get her involved in a conversation about whether women should breastfeed beyond the toddler years. Yes, Wikipedia Mom never breastfed her children (it just 'wasn't me', she said) but she knows everything about it. You will never need a dictionary when you befriend Wikipedia Mom. Ask her about everything, she will have the answer.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

All About Me Mom

All About Me Mom insists on telling her stories, whether or not you want to hear it. If your kid just spent the day in ER after swallowing half a bottle of nail polish remover, her kid was in intensive care for a month after a brain haemorrhage. She is not interested in your story. She wants to tell her story. And don't interrupt her, okay? If you survived a 12 hour labour and an emergency c-section, that's nothing! All About Me Mom did all that plus more - did she tell you she also caught septicaemia post-birth and nearly died. But she didn't. She lived to see another day, and tell another story about herself.

Olympic Mom

It's always a delight bumping into Olympic Mom. Yes, the lady who delights in telling me that her having kids 15 months apart is 'harder' than having twins. Back then I stopped myself from reminding her my twins were born TWO MINUTES apart because no matter what I say, she will one-up me. Motherhood is the biggest race of her life, nobody can beat her. She even told a mother of quadruplets that having 4 kids in 5 years is 'much much harder" than having four babies at once. The quads mom could only manage a weak comeback, "Um. it wasn't having 4 buns in the oven."

Germ Phobic Mom

We spent two hours in the park today and amazed to see how sparkling clean the playground equipment looked...and then we noticed Germ Phobic Mom with a bottle of disinfectant and a towel - giving the slide and swings a good rub down. I'll never forget visiting her in hospital when she'd given birth to baby number 3 and before she'd let me cuddle her newborn, she made me wash my hands with disinfectant, even though I told her I'd just washed my hands. "No. You probably used soap. Soap is not good enough," she said, pushing a bottle of Clean-aid in my hands. Interestingly, when her kids get sick, they seem to be sick for a long time. But when I suggest that maybe she needs to start exposing her kids to some 'good germs' so they build up immunity, she looks at me with horror. "There's no such thing as a good germ!"

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Scream from the Sidelines Mom

The soccer gossip is in overdrive as the Scream from the Sidelines Mom was spotted with a single Dad from the kids school who happens to be the coach of the Under 11s. Buns of Steel Mom and Coffee Mum were discussing the scandal this morning, not bothering to whisper. In fact, they were speaking at such a high volume that Afraid of the Sun Mom and Botox Mom, who were nibbling their toasties at the next table, butted in and said, "Yes, yes, I've seen them holding hands in the carpark and looking at each other like they can't bear to say goodbye." We will stay tuned.

Cold Blaming Mom

The Cold Blaming Mom was on the warpath today. See, three days ago she hosted mother's group at her place and now her little darling has a runny nose. Who gave her the cold? She is determined to track down the appalling excuse of a mother who dared to bring her kid to her home, knowing he/she had a cold, or was at least on the verge of a snotty nose. She phoned all four women, grilling them about the state of their child's health. "Does - or DID - Bianca have a cold when you came to my place last week?" All women denied bringing a cold-laden kid into Cold Blaming Mom's inner sanctuary. "No, of course not. She's perfectly healthy. And, if she wasn't, I wouldn't DREAM of bringing her over in case she spread her germs to your little darling." So, all the women denied being responsible but Cold Blaming Mom is not an idiot. She suspects the offending mother was Mary-Lou. Why? Because, when she was being interrogated, she said, "Besides, you could be standing in the supermarket queue and the person in front of you might be infected and all he has to do is sneeze and you've caught his lurgy. Maybe that's how your little darling caught her cold. It was not MY little darling." Yes, motherhood has reached a new low.

Social Network Mom

Social Network Mom is at it again. She's miffed her little darling missed out on an invitation to the 'party of the year' - the 5th birthday party of Joshua T, whose mother is a small time actress on a local soap. So, feeling the rage, she took to facebook and twitter, posting updates about how heartbroken her little darling is that he did not receive the golden ticket. Truth be known, the kid had no idea invites were being handed out all around him, nor does he really care. It's all about the mommies. As of midnight last night, Social Network Mom was tweeting "what sort of woman deliberately excludes an austistic child from a birthday party? karma is a bitch." We can't wait to check her facebook page tomorrow.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Mean Mom

Tracy B is the Mean Mom. She's always shouting at her kids. In fact, they're terrified of her. She won't let them have friends over to play because she's worried they will make a mess of her house. If her child uses a word that he has never heard of, like Chaos, she will refuse to tell them what it means. "That's what a dictionary is for," she yells. "I am not a dictionary!" She is also mean to other moms. Tracy B went to a mothers group where she spotted a mother of newborn twins, who was struggling to stop their crying. "Wow, you look really stressed out. What's your problem? I've got plenty of friends with twins and they say its easy peasy." She also likes to make women who had c-sections feel bad, "You didn't give birth, a doctor did it for you," she says. Most moms only ever invite Tracy B to their home once. If she's invited a second time it's only because the victim has thought of a good come-back to her nastiness, such as "If I didnt have a c-section, my child would not have been born alive." Here's the truth: nobody dislikes Mean Mom as much as Mean Mom.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

home school mom

Home School Mom has one rule – school is an unnecessary evil and the only person who is equipped to teach your children properly is YOU! Not only does this mom teach her kids everything from geography to arithmetic, she has a problem letting go of her kids, even if they beg, ‘Please mum, let me go to school. I want to play with other kids!” Home School Mom loves to tell people that she is a teacher, even though she’s had no training. There’s no need to let her kids interact with other children. Home school kids can happily mingle with other kids at the supermarket and the park. Plus, once a week there is an arranged play date with other home school kids, so they can socialise with their own kind. Shouldn’t they socialise with kids who aren’t so secluded from society? No way! They might learn bad language or unnecessary life skills from kids that are shoved into the evil school system.